Bosnian Snipers and Dog Tranquilizers

By Pauly
Hollyweird, CA

Some nights poker is a relentless struggle because I lack patience when I'm card dead and I sabotaging myself by making mistakes and forcing the action. I have to dig deep and focus otherwise I'm doomed.

Some nights, my poker game is ruled by the "Awww, fuck it!" guy. He gets me in the most trouble. He hijacked my inner dialogue the other night when I sat at a 2/4 NL table. I had Kings and an Ace flopped. I fired out at the pot only to get raised all in for the rest of my stack.

"Awww, fuck it! It's only money. Everyone bluffs on the internet. Besides, my opponent is from Scandinavia. Surely he's really a 13 year old girl shoving all in with bottom pair."

I made the existentialist call and the Norwegian nimrod won the pot with a weak Ace. He/she/bot always does. I got my Kings cracked and had to rebuy.

The poker table is the last place you want to have your "Awww, fuck it" guy making decisions for you. That inner devil has a time and place in your life. He always gets you into a lot of trouble but you also have a lot of fun that you never would have had unless you succumbed to your impulses.

The "Awww, fuck it" guy is responsible for all those one night stands, the bad choice in tattoos, and the reason you got Montezuma's revenge in Cancun because you drank the water.

The "Awww, fuck it" gets you laid more often than you give him credit for.

The "Awww, fuck it" is why you flew to Europe with only a back pack, a $124, and six hits of acid.

The "Awww, fuck it" guy is the reason you kept pushing the envelope on your most recent Las Vegas bender and why you started drinking Singapore Slings at 10am on a Tuesday.

The "Awww, fuck it" guy is who convinced you to tell your imbecilic boss that he was the most useless son-of-a-bitch to walk the planet and that he was the reason why people have to go on anti-anxiety medication and after peeking into his soul, you finally understand why he has to pay women to fuck him.

The "Awww, fuck it" guy convinced you to quit your stable and well paying job to write a novel which you never finished.

The "Awww, fuck it" guy thrives at events like Mardi Gras or during the running of the bulls in Pamplona or if someone offers you dog tranquilizers at a music festival.

It's true. I was thisclose to downing a handful a couple of weekends ago at the Langerado music festival. We were pre-partying for the Phil Lesh and Friends show and shooting shots of tequila. Otis found dog tranquilizers in his baggage, which he gave his dog whenever they went on long car trips. I offered to experiment with them.

I figured that two dog tranquilizers would be harmless, but maybe three or more could slow down time in a Quaalude-like buzz and I'd utter witty remarks a la Truman Capote. Or perhaps things would get ugly and I'd get sloppy and pass out face down ass up in the shitter like Elvis.

In the end, I didn't get to test out the dog tranquilizers. I think Otis was worried that I'd get too fucked up and stumble off into the Everglades and get eaten by alligators. Alas, for the record, I was more than willing to gamble. Dog tranquilizers would have been the least harmful intoxicants pumping through my polluted body.

Sometimes the "Awww, fuck it!" guy puts you in a situation where you get lucky. When faced with a situation that you would normally fold, the "Awww, fuck it!" easily convinces your weak mind to make the call. Of course, you get your money in behind and something miraculous happens like you nail a two outer or catch running flush cards to crack what seemed like an infallible hand.

Those results are deceptive and the "Awww, fuck it!" guy also cites those exact hands as justification to make another preposterous call.

The "Awww, fuck it!" guy has been making the majority of my March Madness picks. He's the reason I'm stuck almost a grand. That's why we were forced to have an intervention. It was ugly. Chairs were thrown. Insults were hurled. Tears flowed. But in the end, I think my mission was accomplished.

We reached a compromise. The "Awww, fuck it!" guy gets to run rampant down the hallways of my mind during specific times, sort of like free swim at summer camp. However, at the most crucial times, like when I'm gambling on sports or at the poker table, the "Awww, fuck it!" guy will be as far as way from the decision making process as possible.

Photo Credit: Pauly


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